Surviving meetings without burning out
Another hour in a meeting room. Or worse: a video call with twelve faces that all seem to expect something from you. You listen, nod, try to find the right moment to say something. And when it's over, you're empty.
For many autistic people, meetings are one of the hardest parts of work. This article explores why that is, and what you can do about it.
Why are meetings so hard?
A meeting isn't a simple conversation. It's a complex social situation with multiple layers at once:
- Social navigation. Who can talk when? What are the unwritten rules? When is it okay to interrupt?
- Group dynamics. Tension between colleagues, hierarchy, who listens to whom.
- Following content. Topics jump around, not everything is said explicitly, reading implications.
- Contributing yourself. Finding the right moment, articulating clearly, not saying too much or too little.
- Masking. Looking interested, nodding, "normal" facial expressions.
All of this happens simultaneously. While the AC hums, the fluorescent lights flicker, someone taps a pen, and your colleagues wear different perfumes. Your brain runs at full speed without a break.
Video calls: a special kind of hell
"Online meetings are easier, right?" Not necessarily. Video calls have their own problems:
- you see yourself constantly — extra self-consciousness
- faces in a grid don't give natural social cues
- audio and video sometimes don't sync
- you miss body language and spatial context
- silences feel more awkward
- you can't just walk away or look out the window
Some people actually prefer video calls: you can take notes without it being obvious, turn off your camera if allowed, or participate from your own safe environment. Know your own preference.
What you can do: before
- Ask for an agenda. Knowing what's coming helps you prepare. No agenda? Ask for one. "Could you email me what we'll be discussing?"
- Prepare your input. If you know you need to say something, write it down. Points, words, even full sentences.
- Check the practical details. Where is it? What time exactly? Who will be there? How many people? How long will it last?
- Plan buffer time before and after. No meeting right after another. No heavy task right after.
- Choose your spot. If you can choose: near the door (easy exit), not under the AC, not facing the window.
What you can do: during
- something in your hands (pen, paperclip, stress ball)
- taking notes — even if you don't need them
- drinking water gives you something to do
- for video calls: camera at eye level, good headphones
- mute yourself when not talking (less pressure)
Waiting for the "perfect" moment to say something often doesn't work. Try: "I want to go back to..." or "Can I add something?" It doesn't need to be perfectly timed. Interrupting is allowed. Others do it too.
If you notice you're getting full: this isn't failure. It's information. You don't have to follow everything. You can focus on what's relevant to you.
What you can do: after
- Take a moment of nothing. Walk outside, get coffee, go to the bathroom. Give your brain a minute.
- Write down what you need to remember. Your working memory is full. Dump it on paper before it disappears.
- Don't expect too much of yourself. The hours after a meeting, you're less productive. That's normal.
- Ask for meeting notes. If they exist, you need to remember less.
Setting boundaries (without risking your job)
You can't refuse every meeting. But you can negotiate:
- "Is my presence necessary?" Sometimes the answer is no, and you can just read the notes.
- "Can I join for the first half?" If only part is relevant, ask if you can join just for that.
- "Could this be an email?" Not always appropriate, but sometimes yes. Status updates don't need to be meetings.
- Block time in your calendar. If your calendar is open, others book meetings. Block focus time.
You don't need to say "I'm autistic and meetings are hard." You can simply say: "I work more efficiently when I can focus" or "I get more out of the notes than out of the meeting itself."
If you want to be open about your situation, that's fine too. But it's not required.
Meetings are intense. Not because you're approaching them wrong, but because they ask a lot of your brain. Preparation helps. Small adjustments help. And accepting that you can do less afterwards also helps.
You don't have to become a meeting hero. You just have to survive them without destroying yourself.